Self-Compassion is something I’ve been working with intentionally for about a year now. Studying the work of Dr. Krisin Neff on this topic has been healing and transformative for me in many ways. Focusing on self-compassion has allowed me to shift out of constantly asking myself, “How much can I achieve?” and to instead invite in the inquiry, “What is the kindest thing I can do for myself right now?” Of course, this is not to say that productivity and achievement aren’t important…(They are!) It’s just that, for many of us, we can become so hyper focused on doing more, producing more, achieving more--that we inadvertently harm or neglect our own well-being in the process.
Maybe you can relate to the sentiment above. After all, we live in a fast-paced modern world that is driven by capitalism, grind culture, and a fierce Puritan work ethic. Productivity is king! Given this truth, you’re also likely wondering, how can I possibly pause to do something kind for myself-- when I’m so darn busy?! Self-compassion sounds like a nice concept, in theory… But when you’re working on a deadline, the kids need dinner, and the bills are due, it’s not exactly a top priority. So the real question is, how can we welcome in more self-compassion--when we live in a world that is so driven and dominated by productivity and achievement?
For me, one of the best ways to do so has been through “IFS Parts Work”. If you follow my work, you know how much I love the IFS (Internal Family Systems) model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz. This framework recognizes that while we all have a “True Self” at the center of our being that is calm, clear, compassionate, and connected, we also have many “Smaller Selves” or “Parts” that can act in ways that are counterproductive or distressing. I have found that blending IFS with a Self-Compassion practice is a wonderful way to care for ourselves, allowing us to be more present, more authentic, and more joy-filled. The irony is that this state (which we call being “Self-Led”) can actually lead to greater productivity and more satisfying achievements in the long run. So perhaps productivity and self-compassion do not have to be polar opposites, after all…
In the spirit of finding a balance between our action-oriented pursuits and the gentle attitude of self-compassion, I share with you a short, simple process that I’ve been working with lately. It has helped me to bring in more kindness, ease, and self-compassion to my own inner system. I use it often, especially when those “Overachieving”, “Hyper-Productive” parts of my personality try to take the reins. Here’s how it works:
Notice when you are feeling any sort of distressing emotion--it could be overwhelm, frustration, anger or fear. When we are able to be the witness--the casual observer--of our experiences, we open a portal to invite in the energy of our “True Self.”
Instead of resisting the distressing emotion (which is often our natural tendency), get curious about it. After all, emotions like these are really just “Parts.” They are simply neural networks that have been activated, nothing to fear or try to push away. In fact, they almost always have something valuable to teach us.
Inquire about the Part. Imagine asking it, What do you want me to know? How are you trying to help me? What do you need?
Listen. keep in mind that there may be real value in the things that the part has shared with you. How might you embrace their perspective, even through a very subtle shift?
Contemplate the question, “What is the kindest thing I could do for this part right now?”
While you may not be able to take instant action to alleviate all of this part’s concerns, just validating the part and telling it that it makes sense can go a long way toward calming the system. On a busy day, the “Kindest Thing” may be simply to pause and take a mindful, slow breath; to feel your feet on the floor beneath you; to silently affirm to the part, “I see you, and I get it.”
If you take away anything from this piece, I hope it will be two things: (1) that self-compassion is worth pausing for and prioritizing, even in a busy, stress-filled life; and (2) that by supporting your inner system of “parts” with an attitude of curiosity, compassion, and validation, you lay the groundwork for a journey that is authentic and rewarding--which may be one of the kindest things we can do for ourselves.
I agree that self compassion can actually lead to higher productivity in the long run. The cool thing is that you enjoy the process on the way as well.
At first, it was difficult and scary for me to choose what I wanted. Then I realized I deserve those little treats in life. Giving thanks filled up my joy tank, which actually fueled my development.
When I was hard on myself to "be good," I suffered and ran out of emotional fuel too quick, leading to hear grinding, depression and other mental health challenges.
Treat yourself, give thanks, and bounce into your goals with joy!